The psychology of belonging: Understanding Adler’s revolutionary ideas

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to float through life’s challenges while others struggle with similar situations? As I sit here in Gawler, watching the morning light dance across the farmlands, I’m reminded of a profound truth that Alfred Adler discovered over a century ago—we’re all searching for our place in the world.

Understanding our roots

Alfred Adler—that brilliant maverick who dared to challenge Freud’s ideas—began his journey in late 19th century Vienna. Like many groundbreaking thinkers, he started as a devoted follower of another master—in this case, Sigmund Freud—before blazing his own trail.

The heart of Adlerian psychology beats with a simple yet powerful idea: humans are social beings driven by the need to belong. Unlike Freud, who saw us as creatures controlled by unconscious desires and childhood experiences, Adler believed we’re forward-looking beings capable of writing our own stories.

The philosophical foundations of Adlerian psychology rest on four main pillars:

1. Holism—we’re more than just a collection of parts

2. Social interest—our connection to community matters deeply

3. Goal orientation—we’re driven by our vision of the future

4. Self-determination—we have the power to choose our path

But what does this mean for you and me? Let me share some real-world examples that might resonate.

Case Study 1: The perfectionist partner

Sarah, a 42-year-old executive, came to me with what she called her ‘impossible standards.’ Her marriage was crumbling because she couldn’t stop critiquing her husband’s every move—from how he loaded the dishwasher to how he parented their children.

Through our work together, we discovered her perfectionism wasn’t really about control—it was about belonging. Her childhood as the daughter of highly critical parents had taught her that acceptance came only through perfection. We used Adlerian techniques to help her understand her ‘mistaken beliefs’ about love and acceptance.

The solution? We worked on what Adler called ‘social interest’—developing her ability to connect with others without the need for perfect performance. Six months later, Sarah reported a transformed marriage and a new sense of peace.

Case Study 2: The competitive colleague

David, a 45-year-old marketing manager, was frustrated by his constant need to outperform his colleagues—even when collaboration would have served everyone better. His behaviour was affecting team morale and his own mental health.

Using Adlerian concepts, we explored his ‘style of life’—the unique way he approached life’s challenges. We discovered his competitive drive stemmed from being the youngest of four high-achieving siblings. His ‘private logic’ told him that value came only from being the best.

The breakthrough came when we reframed his understanding of contribution. Instead of seeing success as a zero-sum game, David learned to find satisfaction in team achievements. His new mantra became ‘How can I contribute?’ rather than ‘How can I win?’

Case Study 3: The anxious achiever

Jennifer, a 41-year-old lawyer, was paralysed by anxiety about making major life decisions. Despite her success, she felt perpetually uncertain about her choices.

Adler’s concept of ‘life tasks’—work, society, and intimacy—helped us understand that Jennifer was excelling in her career but neglecting other vital areas of life. Her anxiety wasn’t about decision-making; it was about an imbalanced approach to life’s challenges.

We worked on developing what Adler called ‘social feeling’—a sense of connection to the larger community. As Jennifer expanded her focus beyond work, her anxiety decreased, and her decision-making confidence grew. And her local book club got a new and exciting member.

Case Study 4: The disconnected parent

Michael, a 44-year-old IT professional, struggled to connect with his teenage son. Their relationship had devolved into a series of power struggles and silent treatments.

Adlerian family therapy helped Michael understand that his son’s behaviour wasn’t about defiance—it was about belonging. We explored how their power struggles reflected both parties’ attempts to find their place in the family system.

By implementing Adlerian parenting principles—especially mutual respect and natural consequences—Michael transformed his relationship with his son. They developed what Adler would call a ‘democratic family atmosphere.’

Case Study 5: The identity seeker

Emma, a 40-year-old small business owner, felt lost after selling her successful company. Despite financial security, she struggled with questions of purpose and identity.

Using Adlerian therapy’s emphasis on goal-setting and social contribution, I helped Emma reframe her life story. Instead of seeing herself as ‘only’ a former business owner, she began exploring ways to mentor young entrepreneurs.

The key was understanding what Adler called ‘fictional finalism’—the idea that we’re motivated more by our imagined future than our actual past. Emma created a new vision for herself as a community builder and mentor.

The power of perspective

What makes Adlerian psychology so effective? It’s the beautiful balance between acknowledging our past influences while emphasising our power to choose our future. As Adler famously said, ‘The important thing is not what we are born with, but what we do with what we have.’

In my decades of practice, I’ve found that Adlerian psychology offers something unique—a practical approach to personal growth that doesn’t require us to blame our past or others for our current challenges. Instead, it empowers us to take responsibility for our choices while understanding the social context that shapes our lives.

For the curious mind

If you’re intrigued by these ideas, consider starting with what Adler called the ‘crucial Cs’:

– Connect (belong and relate)

– Capable (experience competence)

– Count (know you matter)

– Courage (handle life’s challenges)

These fundamental concepts can help you begin your own journey of self-discovery and growth.

Putting Adlerian psychology into practice

Theory is wonderful, but as my workshop participants often remind me, we need practical tools to create real change. Let’s explore some exercises that can help you apply Adlerian principles in your daily life.

Exercise 1: The Belonging diary

This simple yet powerful exercise helps you track your sense of social connection—a cornerstone of Adlerian psychology.

How to do it:

1. Get a notebook or open a notes app on your phone

2. Each evening, answer these three questions:

   – When did I feel most connected to others today?

   – When did I feel disconnected or isolated?

   – What could I do tomorrow to enhance my sense of belonging?

Do this for two weeks, and you’ll start noticing patterns in your social interactions and opportunities for deeper connection.

Exercise 2: Reframing your Life Story

This exercise helps you understand how early experiences shape your current beliefs—what Adler called your ‘private logic.’

How to do it:

1. Write down your earliest childhood memory

2. Answer these questions:

   – What emotions does this memory evoke?

   – What role did you play in this memory (active/passive, victim/hero)?

   – How might this early experience influence your current approach to life?

3. Now, write three different interpretations of this memory

4. Notice how different perspectives can change the meaning we attach to our experiences.

Exercise 3: The Contribution challenge

This exercise builds what Adler called ‘social interest’—our capacity to contribute to others’ wellbeing.

How to do it:

1. Set a timer for 7 days

2. Each day, complete one small act that contributes to someone else’s life

3. Important: These acts should be anonymous—no credit-taking! And don’t take a selfie!

4. Record how it feels to contribute without recognition

5. At week’s end, reflect on how this practice affected your sense of self-worth.

I’ve seen remarkable transformations in clients who commit to this exercise, including a CEO who discovered it helped reduce her chronic anxiety about performance reviews.

Exercise 4: The courage-building ladder

This exercise helps you tackle what Adler called ‘life tasks’ through gradual exposure to challenges.

How to do it:

1. Identify a challenge you’re facing

2. Break it down into 10 small steps, from easiest to hardest

3. Rate each step’s difficulty from 1-10

4. Start with the easiest step

5. Only move to the next step when you’re comfortable with the current one.

For example, if public speaking terrifies you, your ladder might start with ‘Watch TED talks’ and end with ‘Give a presentation to 100 people.’

Exercise 5: The democratic family meeting

This exercise helps implement Adler’s principles of equality and mutual respect in family settings.

How to do it:

1. Schedule weekly 30-minute family meetings

2. Give everyone equal speaking time

3. Use this structure:

   – Appreciations (what’s working well?)

   – Concerns (what needs attention?)

   – Solutions (everyone contributes ideas)

   – Actions (who will do what by when?)

A family I worked with found this transformed their household dynamics within just six weeks.

Exercise 6: The future self-dialogue

This exercise employs Adler’s concept of ‘fictional finalism’—how our view of the future shapes our present.

How to do it:

1. Find a quiet space and comfortable position

2. Close your eyes and imagine meeting yourself five years from now

3. Have a conversation with this future self [you might want to read my book ‘How to be your Possible Self‘]

4. Ask specific questions:

   – What choices led to your successes?

   – What mistakes taught you the most?

   – What advice would you give present-you?

5. Write down insights immediately afterwards.

Advanced tip: Record this conversation and listen back after a few days—you’ll be amazed at the subconscious wisdom that emerges.

Exercise 7: The lifestyle assessment

This comprehensive exercise helps you understand your ‘style of life’—your unique way of approaching life’s challenges.

How to do it:

1. Create four columns titled:

   – Early memories

   – Family constellation

   – Current challenges

   – Coping strategies

2. Fill each column with relevant information

3. Look for patterns across columns

4. Identify themes in your approach to life

5. Consider how these patterns serve or limit you.

Remember, as we say in counselling rooms around the world—awareness is the first step to change.

Implementing these exercises

Start with one exercise that resonates with you. Master it before moving to another. As my mentor at the University of Surrey used to say, ‘Small steps consistently taken lead to remarkable destinations.’

Track your progress in a journal or on your phone. Notice not only the outcomes but the insights you gain along the way. And remember—there’s no ‘perfect’ way to do these exercises. The goal is progress, not perfection.

When Positive Psychology gets it wrong: An Adlerian perspective

As I observe the surge of Positive Psychology workshops across Australia—from corporate boardrooms in Sydney to wellness retreats in Byron Bay—I’m struck by a fundamental misalignment in how we approach human flourishing. While Positive Psychology has given us valuable insights, it sometimes misses what Adler understood nearly a century ago.

The core difference

Positive Psychology, championed by Martin Seligman and others, focuses on cultivating positive emotions and individual strengths. It’s like trying to grow a garden by focusing solely on the flowers while ignoring the soil they grow in. Adlerian psychology, by contrast, recognises that human flourishing can’t be separated from our social context—the soil matters as much as the flowers.

The Happiness trap

Here’s where positive psychology often stumbles—it can inadvertently create what I call the ‘happiness imperative’—the belief that we should feel positive emotions most of the time. I’ve seen this in my practice in Adelaide, where clients arrive feeling guilty about their negative emotions, believing they’re somehow failing at being ‘positive enough.’

Adler would view this differently. He understood that all emotions—including negative ones—serve a purpose in our social connection and growth. The goal isn’t to be happy all the time but to be meaningfully engaged in life’s tasks and connected to our community.

The Individual vs. Community perspective

Positive psychology’s emphasis on individual character strengths and personal achievement can sometimes reinforce what Adler would call ‘private logic’—the mistaken belief that we can achieve wellbeing in isolation from others. I witnessed this recently with a client who had diligently followed every Positive Psychology intervention in the book but still felt profoundly empty.

The breakthrough came when we shifted focus from individual happiness to what Adler called ‘social interest’—the capacity to contribute to the welfare of others. Within months, my client’s sense of wellbeing had transformed, not through positive affirmations but through meaningful community engagement.

The problem with strength-based approaches

While Positive Psychology’s strength-based approach has merit, it can sometimes lead to a fixed mindset about capabilities. Adlerian psychology recognises that our perceived strengths and weaknesses are often just manifestations of our life goals and social strategies.

I remember working with a corporate team in London who had all taken strength-finder assessments. While initially empowering, these labels began to limit their growth and collaboration. Through an Adlerian lens, we reframed these ‘strengths’ as chosen strategies that could be adapted based on the team’s needs.

The role of Struggle

Perhaps the most significant divergence lies in how these approaches view struggle. Positive Psychology sometimes implies that negative experiences are obstacles to be overcome or avoided. Adlerian psychology sees them as essential parts of human development and meaning-making.

As I tell my clients, it’s not about turning lemons into lemonade—it’s about understanding how dealing with lemons helps us grow and connect with others who face similar challenges.

The way forward

Don’t misunderstand me— Positive Psychology has contributed valuable insights to our field. But its effectiveness increases dramatically when we integrate it with Adlerian insights about social connection, meaning, and the importance of contribution to community.

The truth is, wellbeing isn’t just about feeling good—it’s about feeling connected, capable, and being a contributor. As Adler understood, we can’t separate individual psychology from social psychology any more than we can separate a wave from the ocean.

The next time you’re offered a Positive Psychology intervention, ask yourself: Does this help me connect more deeply with others? Does it contribute to my community’s wellbeing? Does it acknowledge the value of all human experiences, including the challenging ones? These questions might lead you to a more nuanced and sustainable approach to psychological wellbeing—one that Adler outlined long before the positive psychology movement began.

Looking forward

As we navigate an increasingly complex world, Adler’s insights about community, belonging, and personal responsibility become more relevant, not less. Whether you’re dealing with relationship challenges, career decisions, or personal growth, understanding these principles can illuminate your path forward.

Remember, everyone’s journey is different, but we’re all walking under the same sky. Adlerian psychology gives us the tools to walk that journey with purpose, understanding, and hope.

Kindests,